top of page

Acknowledgments

First, I would like to thank the team of inspiring and encouraging individuals who have helped make this book a reality.

Thank you to the local and long-distance OCD therapists, life coaches, Immanuel Approach practitioners, and prayer partners who provided the emotional healing, strength, support, and wisdom that I needed as I brought this book into the world.

Thank you to the skilled editors, cover designers, marketing and branding experts, proofreaders, and other professionals who have lavished insight, sensitivity, and guidance on this manuscript.

Thank you to Sam Wan and Krista Reed for their help with the appendix.

Thank you to Reuben Kendall for giving permission to reprint a portion of his “Confession” liturgy.

Thank you to inspiring individuals like Drew Boa and Paul Pastor, whose attentive, insightful words cultivated a sense of awe and reaffirmed the depth and value of my writing.

Thank you to Elvis in Eastern Europe for allowing me to quote his insights on philosophy and reality. He even encouraged me to take some of his words and use them as my own without attribution. His total indifference to his public image reminded me that life is about art, relationships, and mystery—not just about platform and reputation.

Thank you to Pieter Valk and other participants in Revoice, whose healthy balance between boundaries and freedom helped ease my terrifying fear of romance. Pieter’s calm articulation of his principles helped clear the panic from my mind so that I could think clearly enough to set life-giving boundaries. He also introduced me to Ignatian Discernment, helping me learn how to follow my intuition under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you to Justin K. Hughes for his life-changing ideas about OCD and faith and for his personal encouragement. At a juncture where I was ready to shelve my manuscript indefinitely, he encouraged me to move forward.

Thank you to my wise and encouraging life coach, TJ Wallace, whose words were a salve to my soul. He helped me discover and name my anxiety for the first time. His advice to start an anonymous Instagram account gave me the courage to start sharing pieces of my story for the first time. It was through Instagram that I discovered that I had OCD. Without him, this book would not exist. (P.S. He did eventually find me at the conference, and we had a great conversation.)

In addition, I would like to thank the deep thinkers who inspired me and contributed a deep well of insight to draw from in my writing and thinking.

Thank you to Esther Lightcap Meek, whose book, Longing to Know, helped me through my crisis of knowing. Her concepts are infused through this book, and I am deeply grateful for her words.

Thank you to Karl Lehman, Jim Wilder, and others whose Immanuel prayer principles reopened my heart to the beauty of friendship with Jesus, and to joy and healthy shalom. These ideas are transforming my life.

Finally, I would like to thank the people in my personal life that continue to form the fabric of my everyday growth.

Thank you to my sisters, brother, and sister-in-law, who are my best friends. They were faithful confidants during the writing process. They took time out of their busy schedules to provide emotional support, offer wisdom, take walks with me, and listen to me talk about the book, OCD, sexuality, and friendships. They have been gems of wisdom and encouragement over the years.

Thank you to my parents for their courageous support as they have come to grips with my story. I pray that they continue to understand how treasured they are by God and by us. I’m grateful for the memories they’ve left behind:

I’m grateful for the feel of my father’s shoulders under my legs as I perched high in the air, gazing up at the achingly blue sky and the flickering yellow cottonwood leaves. “Remember this moment forever,” he said. And I have.

I’m grateful for the warm scent of newly harvested wheat under the muddy traction wheels of the harvester as I crouched in the shuddering cabin of our uncle’s combine, my father and siblings beside me.

I’m grateful for my mom’s gentle voice singing into the warm embrace of darkness in the car as we drove home from our grandparents’ house—my little head resting against the stubbly blue cloth of the car seat cover, one star shining in the dusky black sky outside the window.

I’m grateful for the excellent and engaging home education my parents provided. My mom supported my development as a writer by discovering textbooks and resources that helped me hone my skills.

I’m thankful for my mother’s inspiring journey toward kindness, understanding, and healing. She discovered and shared The Other Half of Church, which helped us find Joy Starts Here and Immanuel Approach, resources that are transforming our lives. I’m grateful she is doing her own inner work and that our relationship is growing.

I’m grateful for my father’s prayers, love, and gentleness, and for his laughter, humor, empathy, care, and practical skills. He diligently graded our schoolwork, ceaselessly prayed for us, patiently taught us to drive, gently buried each of my childhood pets, and surrounded us with joy and patience.

Thank you to all the neighbor friends and kids whose uncomplicated love, faithfulness, and laughter have filled my life for decades. Thank you to everyone whose friendships were so steady that they did not make it into this tumultuous, drama-filled narrative arc. I never want to take those relationships for granted.

Thank you to “Melanie” for coming out of the woodwork almost a decade ago. She let me know she was sorry for rejecting me and did whatever was necessary to heal the relationship. I’m grateful for her courage.

Thank you to my new groups of friends who have walked on the journey of joy and shalom with me. I am thankful for friends who study God’s word with me, companions who hang out with me, and fellow authors who write with me. Each new friend has been an incredible blessing to me.

Finally, I want to thank Jesus, whose Immanuel Presence has given me the deepest, most abiding peace possible.

Notes and References

Chapter 2

9 Where are the others?: “OLDER Sound of Music Script Fall 2012 Script,” Accessed March 20, 2023, https://thescriptsavant.com/movies/The_Sound_Of_Music.pdf.

Chapter 4

26 Body and blood and Bring damnation: 1 Corinthians 11:27-30 King James Version [public domain].

28 To him it is sin: James 4:17 New King James Version.

31 Eat honey: See Proverbs 24:13.

Chapter 5

39 Everlasting arms: From Deuteronomy 33:27.

Chapter 6

43 Shut your door: Matthew 6:6 American King James Version [public domain].

63 Fifty degrees: Christopher C. Burt, “Extreme Short-Duration Temperature Changes in the U.S.,” March 16, 2018, Accessed on October 1, 2022, https://www.wunderground.com/cat6/extreme-short-duration-temperature-changes-us and NWS Kansas City, Twitter, February 22, 2022, Accessed October 1, 2022, https://twitter.com/nwskansascity/status/1496357433958039555?lang=en.

Chapter 8

65 Take up your cross: Matthew 16:24, paraphrase.

65 Murder yourself: Romans 8:13, my paraphrased misinterpretation, and Romans 7:23, my paraphrased misinterpretation.

67 Gives too much: Alan Paton, Cry, the Beloved Country (New York City: Scribner, 1987), 111.

67 It was a secret: Paton, Cry, the Beloved Country, 309.

68 When the dawn: Paton, 312.

Chapter 9

72 It is yesterday: Note: It is possible to have three calendar dates at one time. Whether or not at that exact moment there were three dates at the same time is debatable. See https://www.timeanddate.com/time/dateline.html.

73 Grow strangely dim: Helen Lemmel, “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus,” Accessed October 22, 2022, [public domain] https://hymnary.org/text/o_soul_are_you_weary_and_troubled.

Chapter 10

79 Open door: Revelation 3:8 NIV.

83 Exhibit was real: See “Prenatal Development,” Museum of Science + Industry, Chicago, Accessed February 13, 2023, https://www.msichicago.org/explore/whats-here/exhibits/you-the-experience/the-exhibit/your-beginning/prenatal-development/.

85 Open door: Revelation 3:8 NIV.

85 Like a bridegroom: Psalm 19:4-5 ESV.

Chapter 11

89 Sound of your cry: Isaiah 30:19, my paraphrase.

90 Duggars: Jim Bob Duggar, The Duggars: 20 and Counting (Brentwood, TN: Howard Books, 2008), 25.

Chapter 13

107 Back side of something 3-D: Esther Lightcap Meek, Longing to Know: The Philosophy of Knowledge for Ordinary People (Ada, MI: Brazos Press, 2003), 136.

108 Fail to meet: “Stand SB Up,” Accessed March 8, 2022, https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/stand-sb-up.

Chapter 14

116 This is the way: Isaiah 30:21 NIV.

Chapter 15

127 Embrace his affection and Love him back: “Don McLean - Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) With Lyrics,” YouTube video, August 27, 2009, 3:58, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxHnRfhDmrk&ab_channel=wysty67.

Chapter 18

147 Red Sand: See Red Sand Project, https://redsandproject.org/.

Chapter 19

151 Waters of old: See Genesis 1.

Chapter 20

161 An enormous bliss: C. S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy: The Shape of my Early Life (New York: Harcourt, Brace and World, 1955), 16-17.

161 It ravished me: Samuel Pepys, “Thursday 27 February 1667/68,” The Diary of Samuel Pepys: Daily entries from the 17th century London diary, Accessed October 22, 2022, https://www.pepysdiary.com/diary/1668/02/27/, 27/, quoted in part in C. S. Lewis, Weight of Glory (New York: Macmillan, 1949), 19.

162 Inconsolable longing: Lewis, Surprised by Joy, 72.

162 You have the thing itself: Lewis, 238.

164 Moments of shame: Curt Thompson, Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves (Westmont, Ill.: IVP, 2015), 34-35.

164 What shame is saying to us: Krispin Mayfield, Attached to God: A Practical Guide to Deeper Spiritual Experience (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2022), 188.

Chapter 22

176 Quality control: “What is Quality Inspection?” Arena Solutions, Accessed March 7, 2022, https://www.arenasolutions.com/resources/glossary/quality-inspection/.

Chapter 24

192 Driven from me: Job 6:11, 13 NIV.

192 Vanish from their channels: Job 6:14-17 NIV.

192 Never see happiness: Job 7:6-7 NIV.

194 All the worlds beyond: Katherine Patterson, Bridge to Terabithia (New York: Harper Collins, 2017), 46.

194 Astronaut on the moon: Patterson, Bridge to Terabithia, 146.

Chapter 25

198 Terrible condition: Irwin Goldstein, MD, et. al., “ISSWSH PGAD/GPD CONSENSUS PUBLISHED,” March 7, 2021, Accessed October 22, 2022, https://www.isswsh.org/news/394-isswsh-pgad-gpd-consensus-published.

199 Clutching and consuming: Curt Thompson, Soul of Desire: Discovering the Neuroscience of Longing, Beauty, and Community (Westmont: IVP, 2021), 18.

204 Sexual desire as sin: Joana Carvalho, PhD, Ana Verissimo, PhD, Pedro Nobre, PhD, “Cognitive and Emotional Determinants Characterizing Women with Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder,” The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 10, Issue 6, June 2013, Accessed February 3, 2022, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609515303969.

Chapter 26

210 Multiple ways to know and The body remembers: Claire Schwartz, Online Poetry Workshop: The Art of Attention, Catapult, Syllabus, Accessed October 1, 2022, https://catapult.co/classes/6-week-online-poetry-workshop-the-art-of-attention-670-2020-10-03?tab=about.

211 Wild passion and desire: Christopher West, Fill These Hearts: God, Sex, and the Universal Longing (Portland: Image, 2013), 41.

211 Strong wine of love: Saint Therese of Lisieux, as quoted in West, Fill These Hearts, 146.

211 Ecstasy in worship: Shmuley Boteach, as quoted in Debra Hirsch, Redeeming Sex: Naked Conversations about Sexuality and Spirituality (Westmont: IVP 2015), 34.

212 Fire in his soul: Vincent Van Gogh, “Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh,” Accessed March 7, 2022, https://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/en/letters/collection/b0153V1962.

Chapter 27

220 49th rejection: Nathalie Elvisia (@natsantonia), “To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection,” November 11, 2019, 11:38 am. https://twitter.com/natsantonia/status/1193946084864921600.

Chapter 29

237 Believed for ourselves: “Confession” by Reuben Kendell. Used by permission.

Chapter 30

242 Riddled with anxiety: Anxiety felt like love to me, since the earliest love I received was riddled with anxiety. But it wasn’t real love; it was eating others alive. The best way to address my unwanted romantic feelings was to attack the maggots of anxiety beneath them. Rikki Cloos, Anxious Hearts Guide (Herrin, Ill.: Alter Ego Publishing, 2021), 152.

242 Familiar, anxious affection: Cloos, Anxious Hearts Guide, 194.

243 Completely whole: See Romans 8:23-27.

243 Close in his thoughts: See Romans 8:23-27, Psalm 139:17.

243 Getting empty again: Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Anyone Can Do (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992), 148.

244 Trust each other: David Armistead, as quoted in Matthew Whitfield, “Why trust has to be at the center of everything we do,” Accessed October 22, 2022, https://7milesaminute.com/why-trust-has-to-be-at-the-centre-of-everything-we-do.

243 Arousal symptom of OCD: Nathan Peterson, “The Groinal Response - What’s going on ‘DOWN THERE?’” OCD and Anxiety, August 31, 2020, YouTube video, 12:20, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1y_BBMmKpo&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety. See also “False Attraction and Why It Happens,” OCD and Anxiety, May 23, 2022, YouTube video, 3:58, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhJ-xI37s_A&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

246 Focal points vanish: Janet Singer, “OCD and Values,” Accessed March 21, 2022, https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/ocd-and-values/.

246 Forget my memories: At the time of this writing, I had more than 50 pounds of printed diary material, comprising thousands and thousands of pages.

247 Cingulate gyrus: “Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders,” Stanford Medicine, Accessed October 15, 2022, https://med.stanford.edu/ocd/about/understanding.html.

249 Arouses more sin: See Romans 7:5.

249 New lover: See Romans 7:1-6.

Chapter 31

255 We are the thing itself: Virginia Woolf, Moments of Being, as quoted on Goodreads, Accessed March 9, 2022 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/163307-behind-the-cotton-wool-is-hidden-a-pattern-that-we-i.

255 Knowing good and evil: See Genesis 2-3.

255 Never figuring it out: Nathan Peterson, “Sexual Orientation OCD | HOCD | 3 Step Treatment,” OCD and Anxiety, YouTube short, 0:57, Accessed March 9, 2022, https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Q-qO33nc6rg.

258 Holy, galactic dreams and Fantasize beautiful futures: Mark E. Thibodeaux, God’s Voice Within: The Ignatian Way to Discover God’s Will (Chicago: Loyola Press, 2010), 168.

Chapter 32

261 Casket drawing: Christopher Powers, “Full of Eyes,” https://www.fullofeyes.com/.

265 Grateful for in each other: Jim Wilder and Michel Hendricks, The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation (Chicago: Moody, 2020), 75.

266 Find myself: See Matthew 10:39.

267 Joy moments: Wilder and Hendricks, Other Half of Church, 217-219.

Chapter 33

270 Deeper, 3-D pattern: Meek, Longing to Know, 136.

270 There all along: Julia Baird, Phosphorescence: A Memoir of Finding Joy When Your World Goes Dark (New York: Random House, 2021), 32.

271 Inside author’s skin: “An excellent carnal writer fashions not a robot, but what feels like a breathing, tasting avatar the reader can climb inside, thus wearing the writer’s hands and standing inside her shoes. The reader gets zipped into your skin.” Mary Karr, Art of Memoir (New York City: Harper, 2015), 78.

271 They are a secret: Paton, Cry, the Beloved Country, 309.

271 Reveal itself: Esther Lightcap Meek, Loving to Know: Covenant Epistemology (Eugene, OR: Cascade Books, 2011), 434.

271 Personal and transforms me: Meek, Loving to Know, 23.

271 Habitat of truth: Meek, 37.

Chapter 34

273 Feel small and Mysterious: Baird, Phosphorescence, 18.

274 Look and wonder: David Hoadley, as quoted in Baird, Phosphorescence, 24.

274 Reset your brain: Wilder and Hendricks, Other Half of Church, 218.

275 You gaze: Baird, Phosphorescence, 176.

275 Brain circuits: Thalamus and Basal ganglion for relational attachment and cingulate cortex for relational synchronization, parts of the brain that are underused in today’s digital world. Karl Lehman, “Brain Science, Emotional Healing, and the God Who is With Us,” Accessed June 24, 2023, https://www.kclehman.com/index.php?view=new_BrainScienceSeminarDocuments2007-2008.

275 Nonbelievers’ memories resolved: Karl Lehman, “The Immanuel Approach (to Emotional Healing and to Life),” Immanuel Approach (2013): 33, http://www.immanuelapproach.com/pdf/Chapters1-5%28Draft%29NewBook.pdf.

276 Higher than EMDR: Karl Lehman, Immanuel Approach.

276 Shot by terrorists and Resolved permanently: Outsmarting Yourself: Catching Your Past Invading the Present and What to Do About It (Libertyville, Ill: This Joy! Books, 2011), 81.

277 Eternal but ephemeral: David Hoadley, as quoted in Baird, Phosphorescence, 24.

277 Cannot comprehend: Job 37:4-5, Berean Study Bible.

278 Get our attention and Angel midwives: Steven Pressfield, The War of Art (New York: Black Irish Entertainment, 2002), 123.

279 Goosebumps Baird, Phosphorescence, 30-31, see also pg. 28, 39, where it mentions that the “gaps in understanding” are a “portal to possibility.”

280 Rather than in words and Between the words: Elvis (math professor in Eastern Europe), email message to author, July 21, 2022, used with permission.

281 Beyond the categories: Meek, Loving to Know, 457.

281 I am who I am: Exodus 3:14.

281 Adventure begins: Elvis (math professor in Eastern Europe), email message to author, July 21, 2022, used with permission.

Appendix A

Immanuel Approach

284 Vantage point of security and Additional safety enhancements: “Spiritually Oriented Trauma Healing in Nigeria: A Program Evaluation to Assess Trauma-Symptom Reduction and Spiritual Growth,” Journal of Psychology and Theology, pg. 7, Biola University, Published February 18, 2023, Accessed June 11, 2023, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/00916471221150402?journalCode=ptja.

284 Gentler and more effective: Dr. Karl Lehman, email message to author, March 12, 2023.

284 Blending neuroscience and Escape hatch: Dr. Karl Lehman, “Introduction to the Immanuel Approach, Very Short,” Immanuel Approach, January 6, 2023, YouTube video, 12:20, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_XKA__I_CY&t=7s&ab_channel=ImmanuelApproachDr.KarlLehman.

285 Stick with the therapy and More long-term healing: Lehman, “The Immanuel Approach,” 33.

286 50-70% success and Complex blockages and Quicker, gentler process and Close to 100% success: Dr. Karl Lehman, email message to author, March 12, 2023.

286 Empirical studies needed and Case studies: “Spiritually Oriented Trauma Healing.”

286 Experience as a therapist and Comments from patients and Comments from psychotherapists: Dr. Karl Lehman, email message to author, March 12, 2023.

286 PTSD symptom reduction: “Spiritually Oriented Trauma Healing.”

287 Nonbelievers received healing: Lehman, “The Immanuel Approach,” 14.

Intuition and Ignatian Prayer

288 Inference-based CBT: “Obsessional Doubt (Inference Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy / ICBT),” OCD Space, February 16, 2023, YouTube video, 10:26, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTyweq4c8EY&ab_channel=OCDSpace.

288 Ferreting out the bad: “Dokimazo,” HELPS word studies, Accessed April 1, 2023, https://biblehub.com/greek/1381.htm.

Joy Starts Here

289 Run smoothly: Michel Hendricks and Jim Wilder, “Appendix B: Joy on Demand Exercise,” from Other Half of Church, free download, Accessed February 13, 2023, https://static1.squarespace.com/static/588b986dd482e969df160c7d/t/61db2a45d8184747a216517f/1641753157579/Joy+Exercise.pdf.

289 Glad to be together: “Joy Starts Here: The Transformation Zone,” Life Model Works, Accessed October 22, 2022, https://lifemodelworks.org/joy-starts-here/.

289 Pseudo-joys: Jim Wilder, Edward M. Khouri, Chris M. Coursey, Shelia D. Sutton, Joy Starts Here: The Transformation Zone (Peoria, Ill.: Shepherd’s House, 2014), 20.

289 Stable identity: Wilder, Joy Starts Here, 78-80.

289 Joy and Shalom: Wilder, 14.

THRIVEtoday

292 Strengthening skills: “Discover the Relational Skills,” ThriveToday, Accessed October 22, 2022, https://thrivetoday.org/the-19-skills/.

Appendix B

Anxiety and Consumption

294 Emotional, sexual, etc.: Drew Boa, “Sexual Arousal vs. Sexual Desire (with Dr. Doug Carpenter),” Husband Material with Drew Boa, May 16, 2022, YouTube video, 15:29, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L86ThmR2dQg&t=1s&ab_channel=HusbandMaterialwithDrewBoa.

294 Lack of emotional regulation: Drew Boa, in conversation with the author, February 5, 2023.

295 Resource to be used: Karl Lehman, “Supplementary material, Chapter 35b: The Immanuel Lifestyle,” Immanuel Approach (2014): 3, https://www.immanuelapproach.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Chapter35bImmanuelLifestyle.pdf.

295 Observing and using and Deeply delight: Meek, Loving to Know, 463.

295 Turn into a formula: Justin K. Hughes, “Can Thoughts be Evil or Sinful? What Does That Mean For Intrusive Thoughts and Obsessions? (Part 1/3),” April 22, 2022, https://www.justinkhughes.com/jog/can-thoughts-be-evil-or-sinful-what-does-that-mean-for-intrusive-thoughts-and-obsessions-4-part-series/.

Anxiety and Focus

296 On the radio: Alexandra Benisek, “What is Frequency Illusion,” Web MD, September 26, 2022, https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-frequency-illusion.

296 Attention is the engine: Thompson, Soul of Shame, 48.

296 Attention drives sensation and Most people wouldn’t feel: Levi Riven, Ph.D., “Making Sense of Physical Sensations in Sexual-Themed OCD,” Last modified December 2, 2021, Accessed February 5, 2023, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/demystifying-ocd/202112/making-sense-physical-sensations-in-sexual-themed-ocd.

296 Attention increases blood flow: “Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),” Mind, Accessed February 5, 2023, https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/symptoms-of-ocd/.

297 Even create it: Justin K Hughes, “SCRUPULOSITY: When OCD Gets Tangled in Religious and Moral Matters Livestream and AMA,” Justin K. Hughes, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor, June 23, 2022, YouTube video, 2:03:00, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82L_fHOKxzk.

297 Sensations more obvious: J. J. Keeler, “Groinal Responses in OCD: What They Are and Why They Happen,” Last modified January 25, 2021, Accessed February 5, 2023, https://impulsetherapy.com/groinal-responses-in-ocd-what-they-are-and-why-they-happen/.

297 Build-up and excitement: Boa, “Sexual Arousal vs. Sexual Desire.”

297 Accepting and ignoring: Keeler, “Groinal Responses in OCD.”

297 Attention governs us: Thompson, Soul of Shame, 48-49.

Anxiety and Jesus’ Presence

299 Pure poetry and End of the story and Counterfeit god: Paul Miller, A Praying Life: Connecting With God in a Distracting World (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2017), 195.

299 Unanswered in the moment: Chad Pickering, “Let’s Talk about LGBT+,” New Life Wichita, April 14, 2019, YouTube video, 46:01, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51b6n7yF7XY&ab_channel=NewLifeWichita.

299 Emerge from our chrysalis: Miller, A Praying Life, 195.

299 Intimacy grows: Miller, 194.

300 All figured out: Curt Thompson, Anatomy of the Soul: Surprising Connections between Neuroscience and Spiritual Practices That Can Transform Your Life and Relationships (Arlington: Tyndale Refresh, 2010), 18.

Anxiety and Joy

301 Brain fuel and On-ramp to joy: Hendricks and Wilder, “Joy on Demand Exercise.”

301 Gratitude and anxiety: Tanya Peterson, MS, NCC, DAIS, “Gratitude and Anxiety: To Be Less Anxious, Be More Grateful,” November 14, 2019, Accessed February 13, 2023, https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2019/11/gratitude-and-anxiety-to-be-less-anxious-be-more-grateful.

301 Relive a memory and Peace you feel: Hendricks and Wilder, “Joy on Demand Exercise.”

Anxiety and Knowing

302 Unfold itself to you and May not know it at all: Meek, Loving to Know, 47-48.

303 More like rape: Meek, Loving to Know, 47-48.

303 Have clarity: Hughes, “SCRUPULOSITY.”

303 Habits of knowing: Meek, Loving to Know, 425-468.

304 Take this by faith Justin K. Hughes, “Can Christians Be Free From Uncertainty? Part 1/4: Uncertainty Can Be Utterly Uncomfortable,” December 3, 2021, Accessed February 10, 2023, https://www.justinkhughes.com/jog/can-christians-be-free-from-uncertainty-part-1-4-uncertainty-can-be-utterly-uncomfortable/.

304 Landing the plane: Bob Goff, Twitter, Accessed February 16, 2023, https://twitter.com/bobgoff/status/1087765900097249280?lang=en.

304 Humility teaches us: Hannah Anderson, Humble Roots: How Humility Grounds and Nourishes Your Soul (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2016), 133.

Anxiety and Relational Boundaries

306 Fear being alone: Cloud, Changes That Heal, 148.

307 Internal structure: Cloud, 148.

Anxiety and Sexual Arousal

307 50-90%: Riven, “Making Sense of Physical Sensations.”

307 Electric shock: David H. Barlow, David K. Sakheim, J. Gayle Beck, “Anxiety increases sexual arousal,” Accessed February 5, 2023, https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1983-09491-001.

308 Suspension bridge: “Misattribution of Arousal,” Wikipedia, April 7, 2023, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misattribution_of_arousal.

308 Panic for passion: Alison Foreman, “A sex expert explains why everyone was so horny before the big battle on ‘Game of Thrones,’” April 24, 2019, https://mashable.com/article/horny-game-of-thrones-episode-sex-expert-explains.

308 Frightening situations: Riven, “Making Sense of Physical Sensations.”

308 Don’t worry about the arousal: Riven.

308 More manageable: Drew Boa, “Porn will lose its power,” Marketing email, accessed February 11, 2023.

308 Not a formula: Justin K Hughes, Can Thoughts Be Evil or Sinful? Accessed February 5, 2023, https://www.justinkhughes.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Can-Thoughts-Be-Evil-or-Sinful-eBook.pdf.

308 More manageable: Boa, “Porn will lose its power.”

309 Treating sexual addiction: Recommendations by Drew Boa, in conversation with the author, February 5, 2023.

309 Practical ideas for reducing fear: Deb Dana, Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-Centered Practices (W. W. Norton and Company, 2020).

What If We Make Mistakes In Knowing?

309 Columbus and Copernicus: Meek, Longing to Know, 156.

310 There can be no mistakes: Meek, 159.

Appendix C

Backdoor Spikes

312 Like these thoughts: Nathan Peterson, “What if I LIKE My OCD Thoughts?” OCD and Anxiety, December 7, 2020, YouTube video, 8:51, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4NJGtvCAUY&t=1s&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

312 Back door: Nathan Peterson, “Backdoor Spikes with OCD and Anxiety,” OCD and Anxiety, October 11, 2021, YouTube video, 9:01, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsmcGFXgG4o&t=1s&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

312 Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist,” from K. O’Connor and F. Aardema, Clinician’s handbook for obsessive compulsive disorder: Inference-based therapy (Chichester: Wiley-Blackwell, 2012), accessed April 22, 2023, https://icbt.online/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Module-10.pdf.

Effects of a Neurodivergent Parent

313 Deeply unseen: Dr. Kenneth Roberson, “Mindblindness In Adults With Autism Spectrum Disorder,” March 3, 2021, https://kennethrobersonphd.com/mindblindness-in-adults-with-autism-spectrum-disorder/.

314 Fail to see the big picture: “How autism affects seeing the ‘big picture’, Difficulties with Central Coherence,” Middletown Centre for Autism, July 14, 2023, https://capacity-resource.middletownautism.com/strategies/supporting-the-individual-with-autism/how-autism-affects-seeing-the-big-picture-difficulties-with-central-coherence/.

Emotional Contamination OCD

314 Emotional contamination: Dr. R. Y. Langham, “Dirty on the Inside: Mental Contamination and OCD,” Impulse Therapy, February 3, 2021, https://impulsetherapy.com/dirty-on-the-inside-mental-contamination-and-ocd/.

315 Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist.”

Harm OCD

315 Harm someone: Nathan Peterson, “Harm OCD: How to Do Treatment,” OCD and Anxiety, June 8, 2020, YouTube video, 12:12, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwkpqNpHfkE&t=2s&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

315 Irrelevant information: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist.”

315 Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats.”

Just Right OCD

316 Something is incomplete and Feeling of tension goes away: “Just Right” OCD Symptoms,” IOCDF, April 8, 2023, https://iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Just-right-OCD-Fact-Sheet.pdf.

Mental Hoarding OCD

316 Not mentally replaying: Rebecca Billerio-Riff, LMSW, “Remembering to Forget: OCD and Memory Hoarding,” Last modified on January 21, 2021, Accessed March 7, 2022, https://www.sheppardpratt.org/news-views/story/remembering-to-forget-ocd-and-memory-hoarding/.

Pedophile OCD

317 Molested a child: Nathan Peterson, “What is Pedophile OCD? | POCD | Intrusive Thoughts,” OCD and Anxiety, September 23, 2019, YouTube video, 7:03, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6f3hxkdB4xA&t=337s&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

317 Irrelevant information and Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist.”

Peristent Genital Arousal Disorder

318 Terrible condition and Suicidal thoughts: Goldstein, “ISSWSH PGAD/GPD CONSENSUS.”

318 Exist alongside PGAD: “What is Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD)?” Healthline, Accessed February 11, 2023, https://www.healthline.com/health/persistent-genital-arousal-disorder.

318 Some also find relief: “Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder,” Cleveland Clinic, Accessed February 11, 2023, https://my. clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23998-persistent-genital-arousal-disorder.

318 General sense of relaxation: “Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD) | What is it and How Can Pelvic Floor Therapy Help?,” Femina Physical Therapy, September 9, 2020, https://feminapt.com/blog/persistent-genital-arousal-disorder-pgad-what-is-it-and-how-can-pelvic-floor-therapy-help.

318 Anxiety therapy: “Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder,” Cleveland Clinic.

Scrupulosity OCD

319 Excessive religious behavior and Lists examples and Try to gain certainty: Hughes, “SCRUPULOSITY.”

320 Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist.”

Sexual Orientation OCD

321 Sexual orientation: Nathan Peterson, “How to do for Treatment HOCD/SOOCD | Homosexual OCD - Sexual Orientation OCD,” OCD and Anxiety, March 3, 2020, YouTube video, 14:26, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQZwmmLkN8I&t=2s&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

321 Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist.”

Suicide OCD

322 Suicide OCD: Nathan Peterson, “Suicidal OCD—My Brain Won’t Stop Thinking of Suicide,” OCD and Anxiety, July 27, 2020, YouTube video, 11:37, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bayQ4zAtJBM&t=1s&ab_channel=OCDandAnxiety.

322 Tricks and cheats: “Tricks and Cheats of the OCD Con Artist.”

When to Leave and When to Stay

322 Avoidance: “The Role of Avoidance in OCD,” Psych Central, April 22, 2023, https://psychcentral.com/ocd/the-role-of-avoidance-in-ocd.

about the author

Kathrine Snyder, a graduate of Prairie Bible College in Alberta, is a full-time ghostwriter. She has ghostwritten several leadership books and memoirs for clients from six countries, including an international nine-figure businessman. Kathrine is passionate about literary craft, trauma-informed care, and advocacy for PGAD and OCD. She is committed to helping people survive uncertainty, disorientation, and shame-filled religious ideologies so they can forge a personal connection with Jesus.

Learn more at www.kathrinesnyder.com

bottom of page